This month we are doubling down on mindset, because THAT is the thing that gets you places. All the goal worksheets, planning and intentions mean nothing without the right mindset. This particular part of mindset is the MOST important to your success going forward in my opinion, because you can really set yourself up for failure without even realizing it. What I’m talking about, of course, is watching what you say and what you think!
If you need to catch up with the series you can here: Why Goal Set? Be SMART. When It Gets Tough… Honor Small Wins.
I’ve heard this a million times…at least. I am an established pessimist, and I have always had a hard time with this one. My nature is to look to the dark side. To plan for the failure so then the good stuff seems even better. Makes sense right? It does for some of us. But watching your words goes even deeper than this. It’s not about only seeing the bright side of life, oh no. That is far too simplistic a view of how humans work. Between things I’ve listed to or read and my coach drilling this into my head over and over again I only in the last couple of years have really realized the true power of words over what you do (even if your intentions are directed in the opposite direction).
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We sabotage ourselves with our words often. Our brains are excellent at making what we say into reality. There’s a large portion of our function as animals on this planet that relies on an unconscious effort by our brain. The conscious part understands distinctions like humor…or using negatives…but our unconscious brain simply wants to support what it thinks our conscious mind is directing. The next time you ride take note with your conscious brain how many things your unconscious brain is doing without you directing it… Your conscious brain probably won’t be able to keep up. It’s kinda scary how much we do without thought, but that is how our brains function.
Take this one real world example of words allowed to escape my mouth…and my brain trying to help me make it reality. This was the day that I really understood that what comes out of your mouth will come to pass, if you mean it to or not. Your brain will make sure it does! So watch that self-deprecating humor…it’s going to bite you in the butt.
A few years ago I was taking a jump lesson. I had only been taking jump lessons for maybe a month at this point, maybe two. I was plenty versed in keeping my bum in the saddle from years of flat lessons (of a western or dressage variety)…seriously, I VERY rarely hit the dirt…my bum is plenty sticky. At this point I thought some fun cross rail/low jump lessons on a solid schoolmaster type TB would be a fun addition to my horsey life. After things going swimmingly for a few weeks, the trainer started to up the challenge a bit. This particular day I walked by the arena before my lesson and saw that a bounce of four jumps was set up. I said out loud to myself, “Looks like I’m going to die today!” I laughed, assuming (and hoping) that we’d NOT be going over that.
An hour later the trainer was dropping the first and the last jumps to ground poles so we only had ground poles and two jumps. No big deal right? I ended up in the dirt after the first try…with a bone bruise on my pelvis no less. Of course I didn’t know that in that moment, I got back on, jumped some more jumps and tried to ride the dressage horse I was leasing at the time when the adrenaline wore off and it was clear I was injured. I wasn’t the only person with a cane walking around at the California Dressage Society Meeting and Symposium that weekend…but I was the youngest one by far (and that symposium I paid to go to given by 4 freaking Olympians is cloudy in my memory because of stupid pain meds). I didn’t die that day, but my words bit me in the butt hard…literally. And I learned a big life lesson.
Another example…and this is relevant to so many of you. I have heard countless riders in lessons trash talking themselves and their horses. I have often found myself going…”Our half pass left is garbage,” or similar and immediately get a smack down from my trainer about watching my language…as should be. Thinking like that and even worse, saying it out loud guarantees that our half pass left is garbage. If anything MUST be said…it’s “Our half pass left is a work in progress.” Your trainer knows what needs work. I guarantee you the lady below never has said, “I sit like crap on a horse!” even if her face in this photo is saying….”whoooweeee sit tight!” Lol. Well…knowing her sense of humor…she might have said something like that…but you know what I’m saying. She didn’t get there being a negative Nancy.
Be careful also to watch your use of negatives. I cannot remember where I read this before (perhaps it was a Jane Savoy book? but it makes so much sense…) that the part of our brains that work in the background don’t understand such complex ideas as a negative. So if you say… “I’m not going to blow this jump combination,” that part of your brain that is acting in the background for you translates it to “I’m going to blow this jump combination,” and proceeds to grant your wish of failure. So instead of saying… “I’m not going to…” say “I’m going to rock this jump combination…” or “We’re going to ride this clean,” other such positive phrasing. Only give yourself positive and careful talk when it comes to your goals. It’s hard to do, I know…but it’s VITAL.
Wishy washy words and phrases are tough to and will keep you from ever actually doing anything about your goals/dreams. I hope to…I wish to…I should…I’m trying to…”lose weight,” for example. Get rid of those. They’re useless. Instead say “I am.” Use action verbs when you can. “I am fit and thin and fit into a size whatever.” Even if you don’t yet. It’s okay. Project it! But speak as if it’s the truth right now and it will be soon enough.
As mentioned above I’m a pessimist. I’m still a pessimist and that’s okay. This is not the same thing…not really. I don’t run around putting silver linings on everything, being positive for the sake of being positive and generally hiding a basic personality trait like some people do. I’m not suggesting you do that. Absolutely not. Just…be kinder to yourself. Choose your words with care…like you would with a child. You want to build them up and teach them…not keep them from ever trying anything out of fearing failure. If we said some of the things we say to ourselves to others…can you imagine how that would play out? “God you suck at…” How do you think your friend, your child, your students would respond to that? Do you think they would go and do it better? Absolutely not…their next attempt would suck (if they even tried again)! Why do we expect any different from ourselves?
As a pessimist, I have learned to STOP thinking negatively about things I am going to put effort into doing. If I’m putting effort into it, it is something I have deemed worthy of being in my life…so I shouldn’t think badly about it, ever. It’s easy to say…but less easy to implement. It helps to have some successes, and to feel confident and believe in yourself certainly…but to get to those confident moments it will take some work.
I have always been stressed about horse shows…who isn’t? But this year I have flipped 180. I’m excited? Why? Because I’m going to succeed at them. Why be nervous and stressed? Because of my new self talk about horse shows…I went into the first show of the year with the goal of a 64% at our first test at 2nd level and knowing we would win our class. We came out of that show with the show HIGH POINT!!! and a 67.5% (beyond exceeding our goal). This coming from a girl who just a couple years ago was happy to hit 60%. I’m going into the show this coming weekend planning on a 70% and winning our classes again. I’m going to go to championships with an intention of winning our classes there too. That’s just where I am right now in my journey with dressage and myself. My pessimism can stay in the car when I’m riding and come out later when I’m talking to someone about the state of planet earth in 2021.
Spend your day today (or tomorrow) observing your self-talk (what’s in your head) AND the words that actually leave your mouth. Keep notes if you need to. Every time you say something that is in some way detrimental to your mental state or goals…take note of it. Become more aware of the words leaving you and what effect they are having on you.
Are you your own best cheerleader? If so…congratulations! You didn’t need to read this far did you?! Chances are you’re your own worst critic, so start to catch yourself when you go down that path and divert your thinking to a more positive direction. Instead of, “I’m afraid…” say “I’m brave.” Instead of “I suck at…” say “I’m working towards…”
Start changing your out loud words first. Those are the most important…because if you change those…the inner talk will change as well as you become more observant of how you treat yourself.
The things you say both out-loud and in your head are incredibly important and have power over the outcomes you desire. Be more intentional with your speech and things will start to change for you. Promise!
