The Jealous Adult Ammy

We all have times in our lives when we feel our paths are clear.  We have no huge decisions to make that aren’t already planned for, we don’t expect to change jobs to totally different fields, and we don’t expect much to happen that we don’t control every moment of.  We get comfortable and happy with our lives as they are and all we want to do is continue forward down the path we’ve chosen to end up at our end goal…whatever that might be.

I always get melancholy in spring and early summer…it’s that time of year the kids are graduating and moving on.  Every year I feel a little forlorn about it, but not just about the individuals leaving my life.  I also think about what could have been.  What if I’d gone to vet school?  What if I’d gone to this university instead of that one?  What if I’d done this multi year program in the horse industry that I’d always dreamed about?  What if I’d started taking lessons just a little bit sooner?  Where would I be now?  Every year I think these things and feel a bit sad that the young choice making part of my life is over.  I can make changes, but my overall life path has been set by my past choices and a large chunk of it has already been lived.

One of my favorite kids is about to embark upon a fantastic adventure.  She has put college on hold for a year to be a working student with a big dressage barn down in Southern California.  She’s going to regularly get to be around some big names in the industry.  She’s going to get to ride some very fancy young horses.  She’s going to learn the ins and outs of running a barn like that and her life will be 100% revolved around horses.  Granted, she’s going to work her ass off, she is having to sell her horse, won’t have a car and will be a long way from her friends and family…but I cannot help but be jealous of her opportunity even still.  I had opportunities when I was young (granted entirely different ones)…so it’s not really right for me to be jealous…but I have been.  On top of my sadness at her leaving, I wanted nothing more than to go with her for the last many weeks so I could open myself up to that kind of change and that kind of learning.

I’ve always had a bit of a gypsy soul looking for the next thing, goal, or place, and I’ve been sitting so long now…I’d thought I’d settled it all.  I really thought there were no surprises coming…and that’s when you get in trouble.

Life has a way of making a big joke about things when you don’t expect it too…and in a week my life has been pretty dramatically spun around.  Lots of changes are afoot that I didn’t plan on or decide on.  I have no idea where I’ll be living in 6 months from now.  I have no idea if I’ll be able to afford to keep riding.  I have no idea if I’ll have access to a vehicle to get myself to the barn for my next show in a couple of weeks.  And I don’t know if I’ll have the time or motivation to keep this website going.  We’ll see!  I know that I’ll sort all of it out…but things have gotten a little too exciting a little too fast.  I guess I shouldn’t have been so melancholy after all.  Life still had some wild shots to throw in my direction and I’m very interested to see how it will turn out.

I guess what they say is true…be careful what you wish for.  I’m no longer the Jealous Adult Ammy.  I’m just another scrambling human trying to make her way in the world as best she can.  I’m excited to see where the next year takes me.  But I’m also excited to hear all the stories and experience that my favorite young rider gets to have in the next year.  She has such a promising and exciting life to look forward to. We all do!  Just remember…it’s not over until it’s over!