Well it’s the end of May…I should be smack dab in the middle of horse show madness. However…I find myself instead taking trail rides at a walk, skipping lessons, hobbling around trying to do things as the wildness of May with a school aged child is keeping me beyond busy. There’s been a lot of time spent outside in the garden tending to my baby plants (and not so baby plants) getting ready to produce some delicious food for us. I’m in a war with the squirrels to keep them out of my strawberries and blueberries right now. If you have fruit in your yard, you know what I’m talking about. I’m also at a war with the sun and bugs to keep my greens alive as the air starts heating up. Ha! As you’ll notice…not a lot of horse going on there.
You might have also noticed the word hobbling. Yeah…well…I’m broken folks. I finally admit it. It’s a long story that started last year. First it was an ankle sprain. Then I did something to my hamstring a few months later that has been an ongoing issue since…maybe October! Now…my back is completely out. In the amount of time it took to type this…my back has started barking at me to stand up.
What’s wrong? Don’t rightly know because our health care system is broken. Imaging only after drugs and PT and more time suffering. I know that my scoliosis is evidently worse than last time I was x-rayed 8 years ago when I had that jumping fall. So maybe it’s that? Don’t know. Going to see some specialist PT and chiropractic and see what happens. Either way…I’m in pain. I’m not having fun. Riding even hurts so I’m not particularly having a good time there either when I try. Actually…the doctor told me to stop riding for the next 3 or so weeks altogether. Not going to happen…as Jax has to get out…but I had a quiet hack around the property today. I asked nothing of him and asked nothing of my body and it’s not worse.
On top of that, I finally hit the brick wall with Jax. I’ve finally given up. As it is, I’m done showing Jax. Maybe for a few months. Maybe for the rest of the season. Maybe forever. Why? Well…here goes.
First I should talk about our last show. It wasn’t awful…but the changes/tempis were also not any better than they were 6 months ago at our last show. No improvement. Zero. That’s frustrating. However our trot work was some of the best I’ve ever gotten…it WAS the best I’ve ever achieved at a show. I got much improved rider marks. I even had the comment of “lovely rider” on my test…which I have never seen before. That was good. He was generally a good boy. I felt our general quality of gaits was better even if we had mistakes in a lot of the boxes…including things we usually are pretty good at. I threw away 2 boxes per test by making the same mistake both directions in the floor-plan (I had convinced myself going in that it was 10m…it was supposed to be 8). Would that have gotten us to 60? No…but much closer.
So nothing dramatic. Other than those damned changes. Here’s the deal. I taught Jax changes. I’ve taught Jax everything. Anything that is in him beyond the basics…is my fault…for good and bad. And I’ve taught him to do the right to left change badly. We’ve tried everything at this point there is to do with me in the saddle. My trainer has tried to help us with as many ideas as she can come up with (and it’s been a lot). I’ve spent lots of money on clinics with other trainers. I’ve watched all the videos. It’s been three and a half years and I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. I broke it…and I can’t fix it. And if we can’t do changes…we can’t do 4th level or PSG and only do mediocre at 3rd. So what’s the point at throwing money at shows to stay at 2nd level (a level he’s proven himself at time over time). We might as well just stay home and trail ride.
However all is not completely lost as we’ve brought in my trainers assistant – a younger, stronger young lady that happens to be a brave as hell eventer with stellar skills to help out. She’s started jumping Jax and trying to teach him how to push off his hind better that way. Turns out he loves jumping and he’s having a blast. He’s already doing clean changes over a small jump with her just fine. So now we know it’s my bad training and not a physical problem. Translating that to the dressage ring may or may not work. Time will tell. Maybe he needs a career change…he’s got solid dressage all the way up to Intermediate so maybe he’ll be the best eventer. All that matters really right now is that it’s not me sacrificing my body and mental sanity to try and fix the changes. It’s been 3 and a half years throwing myself against that wall…and I’m tired. Jax is tired of it too.
There’s obviously some mental health stuff going on for me right now too as a result of the physical stuff and basically throwing all of my goals into the toilet…but I’m working on that by just enjoying my daughter where she is in life right now and spending time with my garden (and as mentioned above…warring with the squirrels). Ha!
I hope that I can get my body feeling back to good soon. I miss being capable. I miss not even noticing my body at all because it’s just doing what I need it to. I’ve obviously been ignoring the warning signs and pushing through for way too long and I’m paying that price right now. But I’m hopeful that in a few more weeks…maybe…I’ll be feeling a little better. If you’ve ever dealt with chronic pain, you know where I’m coming from (and if you have, I’m sorry…I wouldn’t wish this on anyone).
I’m not quitting horses or anything, but I’m taking a big step back from my level of intensity and drive on it for now. I need to heal myself. I need to stop pushing forward and ignoring EVERYTHING else just for the sake of a goal. Time for reassessing. Time to slow down and enjoy some other things for a while.